Brave Conversations

How many of us have had testing conversations over the past few months I wonder. It seems that there has been such a wide variety of experiences and all manner of opinions, that there is much to discuss. It has led me to reflect on my own potential conversations and what I could learn from them.

Some testing conversations are planned in advance and some occur spontaneously but do either go how we would like? The subject matter may be potentially inflammatory, either for our own emotions or that of the other person and fear can be the fuel.  For ourselves we run the risk of feeling exposed or vulnerable, having our weaknesses on display, losing our temper or feeling hurt. We might wonder whether it will end the relationship or damage it.

What we can therefore strive for is a brave conversation. Why brave? Because we can only truly be in charge of our own behaviour and being totally honest with ourselves takes bravery.

Let us consider the meaning of truth – is there an absolute truth or is it really just our point of view? It is a courageous step to try to separate truth from fact. When charged with emotion or passion our judgements can be clouded. Our so called truth may not be the facts. Our truth may be a repetition of others’ ideas and not our own original thought. Do we really just want to be right above all else?

I think being brave is also to admit you need time. Some of us need a little space to explore our own feelings first. I have had some of the most productive difficult conversations when I have created some space, taken the emotion out and stuck to the facts I believe know. It is possible to mindfully create a gap between action and reaction, hopefully filling it with reason and compassion. There is courage in taking time to listen too as it can be hard to hear another’s truth. To feel valued we need to be heard but to move forward is to hear the other side too.

Being brave is being prepared to change your mind. Breaking the chains that bind us to the story we tell ourselves over and over is liberating. What strength there is in admitting that you’ve changed or even that you were wrong; how exhausting to have to constantly convince yourself you are right!

Being brave is also staying true to ourselves and not compromising our values even in the face of the majority.

So when we want to have a brave conversation, do we want a resolution or do we just want to be right? In the words of the Buddhist deity, Guan Yin, “When you want to be right, be love”.