Politeness

It started to rain hard and as everyone else scurried inside I sat safely dry under the awning alone. Soon, as the rain started to subside, a woman came out and gestured to the seat next to me. I nodded and politely scooched over to make room.  She sat down next to me and my senses told me that she was just about to get her smokes out. I’m definitely not inhaling her second-hand smoke. I shall tell her, sorry but no, when she asks. I assume she’ll ask. It was my table she joined, my seat, my personal space I was sharing. I was here first.

 “No, it’s fine,” I squeaked as she held up her packet of cigarettes and waggled them asking if I minded. I didn’t even pause. I gave that strange positive/negative answer that made her feel right at home in my personal space. My ingrained personal rulebook of politeness that holds me to defer to others and doubt my authority to assert my preferences, did not serve me well. It’s time I changed it.

Politeness destroys our boundaries. Politeness means we work too hard when we are tired, go to places we don’t enjoy and listen to people’s selfishness that goes against our own values. Politeness means we put our own needs further down the list, having a detrimental effect on our health. It leads us to lie and fib in order to keep the peace. Politeness keeps us dutiful and bound to a life that is not our own.

 It means our outward actions are incongruent with our inner feelings. This imbalance makes us act unpredictably with a risk of our finely tuned outward appearance disintegrating at a moment’s notice when we can no longer contain our truth behind the mask. It leaves others wondering, “Where did that come from?” when our truth unskilfully spills out.

Politeness has it’s place and it’s just on the other side of my boundary. Politeness is that weird social construct with its nuanced rules from hazy origins. The lifelong lesson is to make loving kindness Queen of my life instead. Surely this will be easier than the fight within.